Bereft of a Muse

too complacent too soon

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 08:32:15 GMT

I have been neglecting my writing lately. Guess I should be thankful that I am enrolled in two writing classes, with one being the perfect excuse to stuff one's self senseless and the other being akin to an absentee parent - two meetings have gone and the class still did not meet. And I do not mind because (thank god) my professor is brilliant, so I can surely make some adjustments.

Then words betrayed me, and pierced through my senses like an orgasm that came too soon. I found that "orgasm" in the Sun Life 2007 diary that I asked for during the middle of the year, and so I got it for free (together with the gorgeous leather jacket): Nothing of value comes without effort. Decide you'll do whatever it takes. Decide you are willing to pay the price.

I almost feel like kicking myself, because I have been too complacent too soon

falling flat asleep during lunch break

Mon, 21 May 2007 05:30:08 GMT

Somehow, my mind goes blank during lunch time.

I guess I want to sleep, but there are tons of books and other materials to read and also to write. When I close my eyes, I can predict that my head will begin to drop a bit after a few minutes of intentionally blinding one's self. I try to find my "happy place" (right now, my "Happy Meal" since I am obssessing over Shrek) but I always seem to bump into a dead end.

(after a few minutes, I did fell asleep - for less than an hour)

killing secrets

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 07:20:23 GMT

"We are bound by the secrets we keep" - Notes on a Scandal

So do you have a secret?

No?

Why not?

You must be a very lethargic person.

Oh no, I do not believe that you are just an honest man.

If you are, then you must be lonely.

But not devoid of secrets.

You must have one. At least one.

Even the cleanest sheets have dust in between its threads.

Though you try to wipe it clean.

It would only smear the dirt you want to remove.

Those are the deadliest secrets to keep.

Its fangs will pierce through your flesh.

You would not feel the pain outright.

Yet you will see the blood flowing.

And then you will know.

So do you have a secret?

a million slashed words

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 03:28:32 GMT

I ~~always, sometimes, somehow~~ knew that we will never be:
                 ~~lovers, brothers, sisters, friends~~ like what we are now
And here I am ~~waiting, dying, craving,~~ looking for your omen,
                 Can't be too ~~direct, honest,~~ subtle on how my day
Actually ~~depends,~~ holds on to the things we will do later:
                 Dinner, ~~kiss~~, drink, ~~fuck~~, walk, ~~run~~, hug, talk
Will a million ~~slashed~~ words be enough to convince
                 We will never be what ~~I think~~ we can be.

Oppose the UP TOFI

Sat, 16 Dec 2006 02:31:07 GMT

The BOR voted 7-0 yesterday in an apparent railroaded decision (flashback: JDV's trampled Con-Ass attempt a few days ago). UP Diliman was such an irony last night: outrage, loneliness, tears, laughter, anticipation, exhaustion... everything converged in the sprawling campus which should be traditionally enjoying the Lantern Parade during these times.

But no, not this year.

OPPOSE THE UP TOFI!

Ipamalita. Makibalita. Makilahok.

"what is left for me to do...?"

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 10:32:14 GMT

What is left for me to do...?
words fail me now: when i need to describe for my eyes
the things i perceive, for my ears to understand the
static in this unnerving silence, for my nose to distinguish
the scent of what i lost and did not, for my tongue to admit
that it has been burnt to black nothingness, for my skin to
recognize the painful stabbings of yearning and holding
unto something i am not meant to possess

What is left for me to do...?
waiting is everything i own: while i am counting the puffs
of my favorite cig stick i may be expecting a knife to tear
through my multiple folds of fat, while i am remembering
what my life was a year ago from Makati to Philcoa on a
god-forsaken bus i may be trying to commit suicide by
picking at my ears in search for earwax, while i am
trying to plan my so-called existence in between beers
and physical pleasure maybe all i am asking is for the
heavens and the city skyline to collapse upon me and
take me away from the cruelty of kind people

What is left for me to do...?
as it is dying is too easy and comforting, as it is living
is too convenient of a choice for a 20-something soul
who feels that the world may offer much much more
but she would just pass up, as it is goodness is too
underrated for her to stop doing it nor to continue
personifying it, as it is selfishness is too obvious a
choice for someone who cannot compromise a
breath of oxygen from the expulsion of carbon
dioxide

What is left for me to do...?
smoke some cigs before going on to the next ride
drink and drink alcohol without puking
think and think until a headache materializes
write and write even after the ink has dried

Wow. Who knew...

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 09:24:36 GMT

Your Birthdate: October 17

You tend to find yourself lucky - both in business and in life.

And while being wealthy is nice, you enjoy sharing your abundance with others.

You put your luck to good use: you are very ambitious and goal oriented.

Often times, you get over excited and take on more than you can manage.

Your strength: Your ability to make your own luck

Your weakness: Thinking you can do it all

Your power color: Bronze

Your power symbol: Half Moon

Your power month: August

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

need for order

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 07:27:07 GMT

I now know what's wrong with me. Order is absent from my life.

Ask me about my academic subjects for this semester and all I can remember is if my professor actually lost weight with the South Beach Diet. I am reimbursing money but did not attach the receipts. I bought, borrowed, and exchanged books for the holidays when in fact I will not enjoy the Christmas vacation accorded to students.

Is this the time when I should scream and complain about life?

Actually, no. That is just not my style.

Gary Granada as Noel Cabangon

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 05:33:55 GMT

I was ecstatic. I thought I had a Noel Cabangon CD, him singing live, me finally listening to Kapag Sinabi Ko Sa Iyo*.

But no. For fate has a rather cruel, ironic twist in its sleeves (or pockets, belly-bottom, heck what's the difference). It was a Gary Granada CD I bought, but with the said song, and heck it is a live recording.

Funny. When will the laughter end today?

*a song told/sang to me by someone I met in Albay

like a cow crapping upside down

Tue, 12 Dec 2006 08:45:52 GMT

Hell is here on earth.

No, this is aside from the degrading situation of our country today. I am talking about the weather.

O god it was H-O-T. And I am still not referring to that 5'10" muscled hunk I saw at the MRT a while ago. Yet again, this is a take on the atmospheric condition of this forsaken day.

Come on, humankind, let us all wake up from our carbon-induced slumber and take a good look on what is happening to our physical surrounding. Global warming is making its presence felt. And today December 12 is just a small whip in the ass. Again, I am not pointing to the impending Tuition and other Fee increases in U.P., which one of my professor said will be signed this coming Friday December 15.

Like I said, the past supertyphoons that plummeted several regions in our country are products of global warming. Our environment is as abnormal as a cow taking a crap upside down. This realization sure is frightening, especially when right after the disasters our lowly "representatives" attempted a political genocide of the only good things that we have left in this so-called democracy.

But here in the office, it feels like in heaven. Comfortable as heaven might be, but not safer as the outside world scorching in the heat of hell

i love the rain

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 02:17:48 GMT

This is a very different Monday. For obvious reasons:

1. Two weeks off the calendar and it will be Christmas Day. And I am no big fan of the holiday.

2. Rainy, comfortably cold morning.

3. Work and academic load seem to complement each other.

4. I am no dreamer anymore.

We DO NOT Want Charter Change...

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 23:39:09 GMT

Fuck it Joe V., the "majority" bloc of the Lower House (and by 'lower' I mean the congressmen's level of comprehension and sense of leadership), Arroyo regime, so-called alliance of governors and mayors... WE DO NOT WANT YOUR CHARTER CHANGE.
Why?

BECAUSE YOU ARE IN IT, and it is very obvious that you all are the immediate beneficiary of this very sensitive topic.

Do not trick us by constantly clarifying that there are no legal impediments in the matter, or if there are any that it is within your power to roll over it with a bulldozer fueled by your pride and delusions!

People like me are saying "NO!" because we distrust your capabilities to lead the nation to such a political, economic, social, cultural - altering decision. Yes, we recognize the need to change our Charter, or at least open the floor of discussion to see if by revising our primary document as a country we can indeed make living a little better for everyone. Sure, this is being populist but also being the democracy that we are, and we all need to be heard.

And I demand, as a taxpayer and therefore among the multitude of people who are sweating it out in our jobs just to keep the air conditioning running in your offices, that you listen to us. Do not bask in the glory of the People's Initiative because the "people" are absent in that matter. C'mon, if those who signed in that piece of crap really truly believed and informed by your cohorts of the benefits of your Cha-Cha version, they would not hesitate to go to the Comelec and Supreme Court and validate that yes indeed the signature is ours. Have you heard of such an effort? Frankly I did not.

Ameding our Constitution is much more than a numbers game and it certainly is not something you can decide upon by striking while the iron is hot. Educate us of your plans because I have been monitoring all major dailies and I have not seen a healthy discussion in the print media. And even in the evening news, the late news, or the early morning news: na-da.

Let elections push through, because the masses can't wait to remove you and all your ball-less colleagues out of the supposed esteemed halls of the Congress. And then let a new set of leaders think of changing the Charter, giving them more time to consider the pros and cons of every provision they would want to revise or completely strike off the document.

We know why you are stepping upon the gas of a wrecked car. You very well know that your political careers will be soon over.

Cheers for the Filipinos!

To read the interview of Joe V. in today's Manila Times, visit http://www.manilatimes.net/national/2006/dec/06/yehey/top_stories/20061206top1.html

I challenge you to keep your calm for 10 mins after reading the words he said and answers he gave. There is a high probability that you will blow your top today.

push luck

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 09:12:23 GMT

I am one lucky asshole.

But luck has a way of running out, a well going dry.

I hope not.

But I really AM your karma. Now I know you have no one.

Lucky melancholy bitch.

Waiting with Nicole

Sun, 03 Dec 2006 23:22:10 GMT

A few hours is all you have to take
before clasping the handkerchief
covering your face.

It will then be decided:
were you a willing victim or
a trader of flesh?

Either way it cannot be undone
as justice is an elusive
commodity in our land.

*This is in anticipation of the Subic Rape Case verdict which will be handed out today. And an ode to Russian Formalism. Now I have to go back to media monitoring. Ciao! And to Nicole, life can only get better from here. Thank you for fighting.

Untitled 1

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 23:32:13 GMT

A lesbian lover to a friend:

"I can't stop drawing doodles
around her face. I imagine the
hair made of copper wires. Skin
as rough as a stubble."

Both just looked and looked,
stared and stared, until the
silence jarred their throats.

And the lover handed the friend
a mirror.

Untitled 1